BAINBRIDGE ISLAND FERRY COINCIDENCE

September 12, 2017

When we were moving to Massachusetts in 1996 we had a difficult time with the guy who built our house. When we decided we wanted to live in Harvard there weren't many homes for sale. One was a house under construction and the foundation had just been put in. We thought it would be good for us and we made an offer, but when we met with the builder to make changes to the plans, at one point he completely blew up at his own realtor. We thought about it overnight and decided we couldn't trust him and withdrew our offer. After looking in Harvard and other towns for another couple of months, nothing was right for us and we saw the new house going up incorporating all the changes we had suggested, and it had a potentially terrific view. We thought it over and figured, how bad could he be?, and we agreed to buy it. The construction process was a nightmare. Among many things, one worker asked "what alias is Tony going under on this job?", and the electrician wouldn't work unless we paid him directly. There was some terrible workmanship which we had to remedy ourselves, and there were bad feelings between us, but ultimately we ended up with a great house that has served us well for over 20 years. We raised our kids there and I love the house and the land and the great view.

I bring this up as a preface to a remarkable coincidence today. Terry, Rachel and I were on the ferry returning from Bainbridge Island to Seattle, Rachel wearing a Red Sox cap. When the guy next to me saw her cap he asked if we were from Massachusetts. I told him yes, from a small town called Harvard, and he said wow, they lived for many years in the next town over (they have lived in CA the last three years). He said they used to come pick apples at Carlson Orchards in Harvard and I said oh we live just a short ways from them on Slough Road. He and his wife both said Slough Road ?!?!? We tried to buy a house there! They had made an offer on a house that was going to be built but they decided the builder was too shady and questionable and they had decided to withdraw the offer. The guy's name was Tony something they said. Same house, same builder. If they hadn't withdrawn their offer we would have been living someplace else these past 20+ years. And we randomly met these folks sitting next to us on a ferry in the middle of Puget Sound. Unbelievably small world!

NOSTALGIA AS A SEVEN YEAR OLD: NEW YEAR'S EVE 1960/1961

Is there a word for feeling nostalgia for something while you're still going through it?

When I was a kid, my parents got together with several neighborhood couples every New Year's Eve, switching houses each year so each couple hosted once every few years. On December 31st, 1960, when I was seven years old, the party was at our house. I mingled with the guests for a while but when I eventually went up to my room around 10 PM I was overwhelmed with sadness for the passing of the year. I couldn't believe it was about to end and would never be here again and I wanted to hold on to it, desperately. I decided I would try to capture the year and I actually got a jar from the kitchen, filled it with "1960 air", and closed the lid tightly. Somehow I remember rationally understanding that as soon as the clock struck midnight that air would immediately become "1961 air", but some irrational part of me thought it was a way of preserving the past. If I opened it I could at least take one more breath of 1960 air! It was confusing and disorienting and when I mentioned it to my mother the next day she was bemused; I think she thought it charming but silly. But I remember it to this day, vividly.

NIGHT TRAIN TO BENARES

I was sorting through some boxes and came across a piece I wrote for a creative writing class, probably fall of 1974. I had traveled across central Asia the previous year and this was a set of impressions of a trying train ride across northern India. I worked on it a bit yesterday, so it's kind of a collaboration between my 21 year old and my 64 year old selves. Benares, now Varanasi, is a holy city on the Ganges, a destination for Hindu pilgrims, and the oldest continually inhabited city in India.

NIGHT TRAIN TO BENARES

"Chai...chai...chai!" Vendor on the station platform reminds me of a barker at Yankee Stadium. "One rupee meestah American, one rupee". Tea to lips, parched, hot, mosquito bitten. 

Train rocks through night heat. Dark fields roll under grating wheels. Stomach empty. Bookprint out of focus. In my overstuffed compartment someone smokes a chillum and prays to marijuana god.

In my dreamlike state I imagine Mahatma Gandhi in the batter's box and Mickey Mantle in a nirvanic trance. 

Another station, another stop. A woman with nose-ring and flowing red sari sleeps on the platform, head resting on cloth-wrapped possessions, alone. A stray dog, emaciated, nearing death and most of his fur gone, finds rotting food in a dirty corner. Stench wafts through the window.

Endless heat. The lights in the train have dimmed, now the air is visible as well as tactile. The overhead fan is turning even more slowly than its usual ineffectual pace. The seat is hard wood, straight backed, bodies press together tightly, sweatily.

Mosquito descends slowly, almost floats, the heavy air buoyant. Lands on arm, searches, pierces skin, sucks blood. When he is full he takes off, heavier, flies out the open window. Eyes have watched this process but brain ignores it.

Invisible villages. Invisible gods. Invisible remembrances of family. Nighttime writes letters, lonely letters, confused letters, yearning letters, letters never sent.

I still haven’t slept when dawn arrives. The air is already too hot, slowing movement and parching skin. Dust blows through open windows, stinging and burning faces and eyes, but it’s too stifling to close the windows. Sweat is everywhere. A child has awakened crying and her mother is futilely trying to comfort her by fanning hot air in her direction. 

We cross a river bathed in yellow light where people shit on the banks while an old steamboat chugs upstream. A man sits on a bullock cart on a dirt path next to thick weeds. 

We pass a village of adobe huts astride the tracks and the villagers stop what they are doing and watch the train pass. The earth is brown, the people browner.

NEW DELHI, 1982

When I first saw this young man begging for change on a busy street corner in New Delhi he was making repetitive, rhythmic, and hypnotic clicking sounds with his tongue and mouth. When I asked if I could take his photo, he not just smiled, he beamed. That genuine, pure, and heartfelt smile seemed so incongruous with the life he must have led. Could he possibly find happiness in such a tortured existence? How miraculous, mysterious, and varied our coping mechanisms are.

RIP PATRICK

February 11, 2017

A few years ago, while watching a scene unfold outside my home office window, I was pretty sure I was going to see our beloved cat Patrick killed. A winter-hungry fox, much larger than him, was coming out of the woods, on the prowl. Instead of trying to run away, Patrick not only stood his ground but angrily started walking towards the fox, who turned and ran back into the woods. I guess the fox decided he was just too much to deal with. Another time, I watched as he stood up to a herd of deer in the lower part of our backyard. He approached them, meowing loudly, and when he got about ten feet away they turned and ran into the woods as well. Not that they would have attacked him, but this cat didn't want them in his territory. He was small, agile and tough, and I have a feeling that he probably used up far more than his nine lives in his adventures in the woods around our home.

But he was a gentle and loving creature. Many nights he slept next to me; first he'd knead on my shoulder and then he'd curl up in the crook of my arm. A great mix, independent and super affectionate. He got sick a couple of months ago and the situation turned acute this week. He's been suffering the last couple of days but he died peacefully and purred when we held him after he got the sedative. We're so very sad.

MY MOST UNEXPECTED (AND PERHAPS BEST) BOOKSELLING STORY

I had a really good bookselling story relatively early in my career. The only downside to it was that I figured that no matter how long I worked, I'd probably never have a better one.

In January 1992 we received a catalogue for a major art book auction at Sotheby's in London. They were selling the library of a famous art historian, Alfred Scharf, a German Jewish scholar who escaped Germany in the early 1930s and spent the rest of his career in Great Britain. Scharf specialized in old master painting and wrote a definitive work on the Italian painter Fra Filippo Lippi. He amassed a major library of both reference works and rare books on everything from the ancient world to early 20th century art, at a time when prices of rare and important books were still reasonable and within the reach of a successful university professor, an impossibility today. After glancing at the auction catalogue we decided we should attend and that I'd be the one who would go.

The library was immense, broad and important. In most catalogues from major auction houses books are listed individually, each lot representing a single book. But Scharf's library was so large that even scarce and expensive books were listed in group lots. Many of the lot entries in this auction catalogue listed several books with bibliographical information accompanied by the phrase "and others". Some listed just a couple of books, others 5 or 6, but the "others" ranged from a couple to 30 or 40.

I had been working full time as a bookseller for a little under 5 years (almost a decade part-time before that) and I was finally starting to find my footing. I attacked the catalogue with gusto. Prior to the internet, determining the values of books was a much more opaque and difficult task, but we had tremendous resources at our office. We had a card catalogue with a record of every book we had sold since the 1940s, and walls of shelves of dealer catalogues. I spent several days systematically going through the titles listed in the catalogue, determining approximately what price we could sell them for and how much we could pay for them. My notes were extensive and by the time I left for London I had determined the value of all the listed books in which we might be interested, but there was still the big mystery: What about all those books listed as "others"?

So that was to be my job when I got to London. I would go through the 10 or 20 or 30 "others" in each lot and try to determine their value and adjust our bids accordingly. Since there were over a thousand lots in the auction, I had reserved two full days to preview the auction and make further notes.

When I got to the auction house that first morning, it was a very civilized mob scene. Tweed-jacketed dealers from all over the world were shoulder to shoulder, jostling to pull books off the shelves in the multi-room preview section of Sotheby's. I quickly became aware how expert the Sotheby's staff was. In virtually every case, the books listed with bibliographical information turned out to be the only valuable books in each lot. The three or four listed books would be worth hundreds or thousands of dollars, but the "34 others" were all toss-ins, worth 10 or 20 bucks a piece, unimportant books that we typically wouldn't be interested in and that would hardly be worth the cost of the postage to send them back to the States. This happened in lot after lot after lot. They had it down--the listed books were all valuable and the "others" weren't. In two full days of working non-stop, I didn't find a single "sleeper", a treasure that might have been buried among the "others".

At the very end of the catalogue was an entry that listed two books and "3 others". The problem was these books were immense and unwieldy and the crowd was still so thick that it made it almost impossible to pull them out to view. So I didn't. After all that work--several days in the office and two days on site--I figured I didn't have to look at that lot, I could just assume that the "others" were not valuable and that I'd base my bid on that lot on the two listed titles and forget about the others.

The auction went well for us. Though we were outbid on many important titles, we still got dozens of lots that we knew we could sell at a profit, and I was pleased. I got that last lot, the one in which I hadn't seen the "others". I figured we could sell the the two listed books for around $1000, so when the opening bid was around $400 I put my hand up. I was the only bidder.

Around six weeks later the shipment arrived and we unpacked box after box after box, happy with what we had bought. When we came to the final lot, we knew the two books I bid on were good, but of course we took a look at the three "others". Two of them were virtually worthless--one of them was even missing plates--but the third one seemed curious. It was a large folio portfolio entitled "Kunst der Gegenwart" (Art of Today) published in Germany in 1923. There were forty elegantly matted reproductions of avant garde art works from the 1910s and 1920s, but then we came to a few things that were more interesting. As we examined them, it became clear that five additional images were original prints, and that the signatures were real. A couple of the prints were by second-tier German Expressionist artists, but there was a signed etching by the important German Impressionist Lovis Corinth, a signed woodcut portrait by Max Beckmann, and most importantly, a signed color lithograph by Paul Klee, "Die Seiltanzer" (The Tightrope Walker). The Klee is an iconic image, one that he did in oil, watercolor, and print form.

We looked up auction records. 1992 was a curious time in the art market and auction records, though still the best indicator of relative value, were a bit misleading just then. The art biz was in a major slump at that time, mostly due to the recent crash of the Japanese stock market. During the 1980s the Japanese economy had soared, creating an unsustainable bubble. The Japanese were buying Van Goghs and Renoirs for tens of millions of dollars and stashing them in bank vaults, and when I first visited Tokyo in 1988 it felt like the crowds in the department stores were in a feeding frenzy. But by 1992 the bubble had burst and prices for blue chip art had declined, so the auction records had to be viewed with some hesitation.

That said, the Corinth had appeared several times in the 1980s, achieving between $1500 and $2500. The Beckmann had also appeared a few times, selling for $5000-8000. But we had to blink our eyes when we found that the Klee print had appeared around a half dozen times in the previous decade and had sold for between $31,000 and $93,000. Even if the highest prices weren't justified in the current market, we had somehow acquired a very valuable work. And it was complete, a real rarity.

We put a price on the portfolio that took into consideration both the auction records and the fact that the market was in a slump. Over the next few months we came close to finding a buyer several times, but each time the deal fell through. Finally after about 18 months we were connected to a dealer from England who specialized in German Expressionist art. He made an offer somewhat lower than what we were asking and we agreed to it but we insisted that given the size of the discount we would accept only cash. Though he was a bit disgruntled by our terms--he would have to fly from London to New York to hand deliver the cash and retrieve the portfolio--he agreed to them. I believe he already had a buyer for it.

A few days later I found myself sitting in a basement bank vault in Manhattan counting stacks of crisp new $100 bills while the buyer was collating the portfolio, checking the signatures and the authenticity of the piece. It felt a little like out of a James Bond movie from the 60s. The dealer had arrived from London that morning, we were making the handoff in the bank vault, and he was flying back that evening. I put the stacks of cash in my briefcase and headed back to the office, nervous about carrying so much money on me. Weirdly, the strongest memory I have of that interaction was how terrible the guy's breath was in the tight, airless bank vault.

Bottom line: Sotheby's blew it big time and we were the benefactors of their mistake. In a major auction with thousands of important and rare books, meticulously catalogued with great skill, care, and expertise, and attended by a large crowd of international dealers, perhaps the single most valuable book in the auction went unnoticed. By everyone. Sotheby's cataloguers missed it and not a single bookseller pulled it off the shelf. Anyone knowledgable who had looked closely at the book would have realized that it was something quite extraordinary. And we got it for free.

The only negative was that while I was driving back to the office I realized even if I stuck with this career for many years (which I did) I'd probably never have another story as good as this one (which I don't).

CONTRADICTIONS, 2: ABSTRACTION

I was exposed to abstract art as a kid and I embraced it. It seemed natural to me. Over the years I've been deeply moved by the likes of Tapies, Twombly, Rothko, Diebenkorn, and many others, as well as non-objective art from other cultures. I look at and make abstract art, I'm open to and respond to it. I often explore abstraction in my photography and painting and feel the emotional pull of texture and line and color divorced from representation. But doubt gnaws at me. Often the very same abstract art can feel like a fraud, arbitrary and self-indulgent. Too easy to both make and look at. I'm pulled in both directions.

My father, trained when the NYU architecture school was transitioning from Beaux-Arts to Modern in the late 1930s, was able to depict modern buildings and ancient temple scenes with uncanny accuracy and readability. When he was young he was drawn to abstract art as well, and he created some fine paintings in an Abstract Expressionist style in his forties and early fifties. But the older he got the more he skeptical he became. He found renewed respect for Old Masters, 19th century painting, and some early twentieth century art, like the Ashcan School. Towards the end of his life he thought much of what he saw by contemporary artists was self-indulgent junk. He jokingly referred to it as “scribble scrabble” and "mishmash". While weeding out my library recently I came across a small catalogue of an exhibition my father had stopped into in his early seventies, of large-scale work by Julian Schnabel, an artist I've been very ambivalent about over the years. Laid in to the catalogue was a short note from my father to me: "Dear Larry: This is big Ga-bitch." I had completely forgotten about that note and when I saw it I cracked up out loud and felt a familiar sort of bolt-of-lightning shock of connection to him, something I feel far more often than I would expect.

(Just in case it might be misunderstood, ga-bitch is how my father used to pronounce garbage and when I was a little kid I found it funny and it became a sort of family joke.)

ELECTION DAY 2016


November 8, 2016

My mom, Jeannette Lubarsky Malam, was a woman both of and ahead of her time. She was born in 1918, before women had the right to vote, suffered great deprivations during the Depression, and yet she managed to earn two Master's degrees from Columbia University before she turned thirty. She taught us that strong, smart, opinionated women are not only not to be feared but to be admired and respected. As a lifelong Democrat and progressive who wished Eleanor Roosevelt could have succeeded FDR, she would surely be delighted to know that I just voted--in her honor--for the first woman President of the United States. I hope.

BASILICA OF SAN MARCO VENICE

October 24, 2016

Well it seems we saved the best for last. A wonderful day. In the morning we took a lovely walk in the Castello district, roamed the streets, got lost and disoriented as seems to be the norm here, and visited churches. Totally different impression from our experience in the San Marco area. The streets were quiet, relatively empty, serene, devoid of the craziness of the crowds. We could walk uninterrupted, enjoy the light and the air and the edifices and canals in a leisurely way, and just revel in being where we were. We visited the massive Basilica di San Giovanni e Paolo with its soaring spaces and what seemed to be precariously tilting columns and the 15th century Church of San Zaccaria with floor to ceiling paintings including a transcendent altarpiece by Giovanni Bellini. Both churches were profound in their own way, entirely different in character, both beautiful.

But that was just the hors d'oeuvre. Even though I thought I knew what to expect at the Basilica di San Marco, was familiar with the structure and the mosaics through books I've bought and sold and own, I was totally blown away. There have been a few places I've visited in my life that have just seemed imbued with a magic beyond words or description, an unexpected jolt of power that hints at something deeper and larger, and this is one of them. Visually it was stunning, with rich mosaics covering the walls and ceilings, spectacular Byzantine-style icons at the altar, and complex marble inlaid floors. The light was dim but the place seemed to be glowing, with the gold mosaic tiles glittering in the low light, shifting as we moved through the space. But there was something greater than the sum of its parts, an indescribable energy or presence of place.

PADUA TO VENICE, UNEXPECTEDLY BY CAR

October 22, 2016

Sometimes people just go above and beyond what you expect. Our airbnb host in Padua, Andrea, came through for us in a big way today. With a one-day train strike threatening to keep us from getting to Venice, he drove us there. On the way, we found out that we had both traveled the "hippie trail" across Central Asia to Kathmandu at the same time, more than 40 years ago. I've met quite a few people who did that route in the early 70s and there's an immediate camaraderie among us. I guess it's kind of like being old army buddies, except the bond was more about adventure and wonder than adversity and survival.

My first impression of Venice was sheer beauty. The sun was strong and the light was wonderful as we took a boat through the Grand Canal to San Marco, near our place here. The buildings in their pastel colors, the fast moving boats dancing by each other, the reflections on the water, all was magical. It reminded me of the first few days of the Camino last year, when it seemed as if I were living in a movie set. And then San Marco, with the Ducal Palace lit in afternoon sun and the Basilica of San Marco showing off its glittering mosaics. Just glorious.

But when we hit the streets for our first walk the crowds were overwhelming. It's late October and this is when it's supposed to be LESS crowded. We couldn't help wonder what it's like in June. We of course will join the throngs to see the main sights, but I hope we can get away to some lesser traveled, more intimate parts of the city in the few days we'll be here.

Our airbnb here is wonderful, centrally located and charming. It's a third floor walkup flat in an old building on a quiet street, tastefully renovated in a modern style while retaining the original charm of the place, with weathered structural beams throughout and a rooftop patio with a panoramic view of the neighborhood. It's just a couple of hundred meters from the Piazza San Marco. The one drawback seems to be that all the nearby restaurants are vastly overpriced, catering to the army of tourists; we had our least good and most expensive meal of our trip so far...and the waitress was dour and unfriendly. I guess there are just too many tourists and I'm afraid we're adding to the crowd.

FOOD BLISS IN BOLOGNA

October 16, 2016

I usually don't write about food, but I just can't help it. For many years, until she passed away, I worked with my business partner's mother, Ilse Bernett, who had spent a lifetime visiting Italy, first studying and then on book buying trips. Whenever I'd come here on business she'd wax poetic about the food in Bologna. But the few times I had the opportunity to visit the city it was for one overnight and I'd just grab a quick bite. But this time, Terry and I have had a more leisurely stay and we've been able to check out three restaurants near our hotel. Two of the meals have been among the most memorable of my life, and I've been thinking of Ilse.

Tonight we stumbled into a local joint and the proprietor, who has spent considerable time in America, engaged with us, made recommendations, and although he was rail thin, he was clearly in love with his food. After a couple of good mixed salads, we entered heaven. Tortoloni stuffed with ricotta, butter and herbs in a light subtle brothy sauce, and very thin ravioli filled with just a touch of cheese in a porcini mushroom sauce. We didn't want it to end, but inevitably it did. So we had to have dessert. He recommended some sort of rice cake, a local specialty, but we ordered a chocolate cake, another specialty. He brought them both. Terry savored them with cappucino, and I with a few sips of espresso. Of course we were both pretty tipsy on the house wine by then, but somehow we made it back to the hotel!

Today's walk was unique. It was a steep uphill climb, entirely covered with porticos, from downtown Bologna to the Sanctuary of the Madonna of San Luca. You walk under 666 arches, uniformly colored in orange though in various stages of decay, on the way up the hill to the sanctuary. On Saturday the way was very crowded with walkers, costumed figures, soccer teams, exercisers, and tourists. We made it up to arch number 506 but we decided not to push ourselves too hard and decided to turn around. I was constantly distracted by the patterns of wear and graffiti on the walls, just sumptuous, and I just had to stop every minute or two to take photos.

HUMBLED IN FLORENCE

Ocotber 11, 2016

Whenever I visit Italy I'm humbled and awed. Humbled by the brevity and transience of our lives amidst such time-worn beauty, and awed by the history of striving to make sense of our existence through art and architecture. The imperatives of our daily lives seem to disappear when we gaze at a 14th-century fresco or walk through an 800 year-old cloister.

And our second day in Florence didn't disappoint. We strolled around the city and visited two major churches, Santa Croce and Santa Maria Novella, the largest Franciscan church in the world. Though I've been to both before, my jaw dropped in wonder. I particularly love Italian painting of the 14th and 15th centuries, just before the Renaissance. The skewed perspective, the muted colors, and the yearning for realism but not quite getting there yet have long exerted a magical effect on me. There is a wealth of such stuff in both places, including entire chapels decorated by Giotto and his pupils and contemporaries. And in Santa Croce there are lavish tombs where some of the most important figures in human culture are interred--Galileo, Michelangelo, Machiavelli, Dante (although his body is actually in Ravenna because of political rivalries at the time), and even Marconi, the inventor of the radio. Standing before those tombs brought on a powerful rush of emotion. 

And oh yeah, the food! Delicious dinner with interesting antipasti and two pasta dishes that were new to us, and pizza and salad for lunch. Kinda like heaven on earth for me.

LOOKING BACK ON DRAWINGS I MADE AS A TEN YEAR OLD

In the fall of 1963, when I was 10 years old and home from 5th grade for a few weeks with a mystery illness, my father shared with me a collection of drawings he had done as classwork during his studies to become an architect at NYU in the late 1930s. I was enthralled with the images, which ranged from ancient Greek buildings to American modernism and everything in between, some of them historical monuments and some imaginary. I spent hours engaged, determined, and frustrated as I tried to copy his drawings. I remember feeling like they weren't very good, but I came across them recently and 53 years later they don't look as bad as I thought.

ANTI-SEMITISM IN TRUMPMERICA

July 24, 2016

Anti-Semitism is alive and emboldened in TrumpAmerica.

In an effort to downsize I am currently selling some books from my personal library online on ABE Books. I received an order on Friday for a very large and heavy book, and since ABE does not allow the bookseller to list a specific shipping charge for a specific book, but only an average charge, I sent the customer a cordial email saying that I have to charge an additional $6 to cover the extra shipping and insurance charges. The price of the book was $95 and was the least expensive copy available on the site. The charges are completely legit. This is the email I received in response:

"Does that sound like a fair deal to you larry?
I'll list a book for sale, knowing full well what it weighs, then, when someone attempts to buy it, I'll extort them for more money. 
You must be a nice jewish man.
I trust you'll understand my outrage and disgust at your greed. 
And you people wonder where and how anti-semitism propagates itself."

I've been exposed to anti-Semitism before but, I guess because of the terrifying cultural context we're living through at the moment, I was particularly upset. Prior to Trump/Palin would someone in his position have felt it appropriate to make such a statement? This is a person who was buying a relatively expensive art book, not Nazi memorabilia.

After thinking about it for a while, I wrote what I thought was a relatively restrained response: "Dear Sir- For your information, ABE Books does not allow the bookseller to list a specific charge for a specific book. You can only list the shipping charge for an average book, so if the book is particularly heavy it is necessary to add an additional charge.

You sound like a very angry, bitter, and bigoted person. I hope that some day you will realize the error of your ways." His response was more vile than his original post.

ON YET ANOTHER MASS SHOOTING

June 12, 2016

I'll never understand my fellow-humans. We are capable of deep love, compassion and generosity of spirit, create sensitive and profound works of beauty, and yet seem to be stuck in an endless cycle of killing. Though I'm a staunch advocate for the repeal of the Second Ammendment, or at least for its radical restriction, railing against guns feels almost too easy; this seems like something deep and perhaps irreversible in our nature.I'm afraid this will only continue and I will forever be confused, perplexed, and saddened.

A LITTLE CARDIAC HUMOR...

April 14, 2016

I spoke with my cardiologist the other day because I've been having trouble with the meds I'm on. I wanted to relay his response to Terry so I typed: "The doc says he thinks the source of my problem is probably the Crestor". But I noticed that it had been autocorrected to: "The doc says he thinks the source of my problem is probably the Creator." For real--couldn't have made that one up.

SOME MUSINGS ON MORTALITY TWO WEEKS AFTER A HEART ATTACK

March 28, 2016

In one of my last journal entries from the Camino I talked about my first encounter with infinity, 5 years old, lying in the bathtub, steam on the square blue tiles, my mind traveling to the deepest reaches of space and time and being overwhelmed, frightened and exhilarated. It's a feeling I've kept with me all my life. Around that time I was also absorbing information like a sponge. I had learned to read very early, and my mother provided me with countless books on the objective world, on animals and insects, trucks and trains, geology and the solar system and the universe. Between my somewhat mystical encounter in the bathtub and my nonstop reading, I became hyper aware of the vastness of time and space and how tiny a speck each one of us is in the big picture, and how brief our lives are on the great timeline of existence. I pictured, as I still do, my life as a tiny segment on an endless line, and whether I lived 50 years or 75 or 100, it was all just a tiny moment, with eons of time before me and after me. I guess what I'm saying is that I became deeply aware of the notion of mortality and the brevity of our individual lives at a very early age. Interestingly it didn't bother me much. I innocently accepted it as another piece in the giant puzzle of life.

Though I couldn't have articulated it as a kid, I think my realization that life is brief, accentuated by the fact that three of my grandparents died before I turned 10, became some kind of motivation for me. Around first grade or so I started to feel what would become lifelong wanderlust. I had started to collect stamps, and I was entranced by images from India, Afghanistan, French Guiana and all places exotic; I could practically feel and smell the dugout canoes and the desert oases and the odd temples the images depicted. As soon as I would acquire a new stamp I'd run to the encyclopedia and read about the country and its people and architecture, and damn, I wanted to go everywhere! And there was urgency. If life was indeed short and fleeting I had better get moving! I remember in late elementary school when people would ask me what I wanted to do when I grew up I would say I wanted to see the world.

And I've been so lucky in life. As many of you know, between work and other adventures I've been to Europe and Asia something like 80 times, countless times around the States, and I still can't get enough.

Of course as we get older the notion of our own mortality becomes less theoretical and much more real and present and visceral. Parents die, friends die, relatives die, colleagues die. Each time it's a shock but each time we pick ourselves up and go on. In fact for me it acts as an even greater motivator to get out there and seize the day.

Which all brings me to what I've been going through recently. 2015 was a peak year for me. I felt strong, robust, inspired, creative, free, and passionately in love with life, perhaps more powerfully than I've ever felt. Walking the Camino was one of the most difficult and rewarding experiences of my life, and the physical and mental high lasted many months after I returned home. But 2016 has gotten off to a pretty rotten start.

In early January a growth on my scalp that the dermatologists had been watching turned to pre-melanoma, so I had a rather large section excised. When folks saw the 45 stitches across my head, the most commonly used word was "Frankenstein". Then in February I threw my back out the worst in 20 years. Couldn't get out of bed except to go to the bathroom for over two weeks, addled with pain and meds. And then when I finally started to walk again I started to feel chest pressure and pain. And then two weeks ago I had a heart attack.

I've been anxious about heart disease for a long time because my family history is almost as bad as it gets. Both of my parents had heart attacks in their 50s and my younger brother had a massive heart attack at 52. About thirty years ago, when a doc was taking my history, I was told that it was not a matter of if, but when, I would develop heart disease. I cleaned up my diet and have exercised regularly ever since, but there's no fighting genetics.

Fortunately they're calling it a minor heart attack, and the prognosis is good. One artery was 90+% blocked--now stented--but the others are generally ok. Long term damage should be minimal; the cardiologist said that with my exercise and diet regimen my heart was very strong and that it should repair itself. It's going to take a while to build myself back up, especially since I've been unable to do much exercise since the beginning of the year, but the docs say I should eventually be walking across countries again.

In fact the struggle may be as much psychological as physical. Apparently I walked 500 miles across Spain with a 25 pound pack on my back with a severely occluded artery, but I had no idea. Funny thing is, I probably felt as good physically as I ever have, youth included. I was extremely lucky, though, that I had the attack at home and not on some remote mountain pass in Galicia. So as much as I'll have to build myself up physically I've got some head work to do as well. I'm as determined as ever to have challenging adventures, but there's a greater fear factor now as well.

Thing is, though, while lying in the cardio ward last week, I realized I'm pretty ok with dying. I've lived an incredibly lucky and rich life, blessed with people I love deeply and who love me, and I've seen and done way more than one guy could ever expect to. I'd feel bad about the sadness and emptiness I might cause to those who love me, but I feel like personally I've had my fair share.

That said, I ain't done yet. Hopefully I've got a whole lot of gallivanting around the world yet to go. We're going to have to cancel our walk in Italy this spring, but hopefully it won't be long before I'm once again out there drinking in this wild, crazy, sad, wonderful world.

I feel ambivalent about posting about illness, but I hope my friends and family will see this not as a plea for sympathy or prayers, which was not the motivation for writing this piece, but as an attempt to articulate what my recent experience has been. The examined life, so to speak.

PLANNING TO WALK PART OF THE VIA FRANCIGENA .

November 24, 2015.

When I finished walking nearly 500 miles of the Camino de Santiago last summer I felt satiated. It was one of the most difficult and fulfilling things I've done. And honestly I thought that while perhaps I would do some 50 or 75 mile walks in the future, as I had done previously, I was probably done with really long walks.

I was wrong. Though I've been very much enjoying settling in to my home routine, wanderlust has been pulling at me again.

So after researching a ton of walking options in Spain, Portugal, Great Britain, Italy, Greece and elsewhere, we've decided that next spring we'd like to do the tail end of a truly grand pilgrimage route called the Via Francigena, which goes from Canterbury in England to St. Peter's in Rome.

I plan to walk the final 250 miles or so of the 1100 mile route (and Terry somewhat less), tentatively from around Lucca to Rome, with stops in San Gimignano, Siena, Viterbo, and many other towns and villages in Tuscany and Lazio. Terry and I got our air tickets this past weekend. We'll be leaving in May, and we'll be in Italy together for about 17 days, starting with a couple of days in Florence before setting out on our trek. After 10-12 days of walking Terry will return via Rome while I continue on. I'm giving myself a total of 5 weeks, so once again I can proceed at a relatively leisurely pace.

As with the Camino the Via Francigena has been walked for centuries. It was made famous by Sigeric the Serious, the Archbishop of Canterbury, who walked the round trip from Canterbury to Rome at the end of the 10th century, but evidence shows that it was an established pilgrimage route long before that.

So, assuming we stay healthy and motivated and that the whole world doesn't fall apart before then, we're off on another adventure. Carpe Diem!

Photo: Rome 2013

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MAKE NEW YORK GREAT AGAIN, 1969

When I was a kid I collected political buttons. I was going through them the other day and I was taken aback by this one, with the button attached to a matchbook. This was for the 1969 NYC mayoral race in which John Lindsay won reelection to a second term running as a Liberal after losing the Republican primary. Marchi was, surprise surprise, a law and order Republican. Trump would have been around 23 years old at the time, so this phrase must have made an impression. But in this case it wasn't a winning motto--Marchi came in a distant third with 22% of the vote.

CONTRADICTIONS, 3: COLLECTING

The impulse to collect. The first time I remember collecting things was when I was five years old. I became fascinated by my father's modest stamp collection and it sparked a childhood passion to collect. The exotic images on the stamps and even the stamp albums themselves emanated magic and mystery and provided a glimpse into the enormity of the world. Collecting stamps led me to collecting coins, domestic and foreign. My mother used to drop me off at a local bank and I'd stand at a counter and go through countless rolls of coins, looking for buffalo nickels, mercury dimes, liberty quarters, silver half dollars, anything that seemed unusual or rare. I collected political buttons, starting with the 1960 election, my favorite being a JFK button that changed its image when you viewed it from different angles. I had a huge baseball card collection, carefully curated as an 8 or 9 year old, my greatest achievement being a complete set of the 1961 New York Yankees. I collected sports yearbooks, game-day scoring publications, ballplayer signatures. I collected postcards of all sorts, old, new, sent, blank, foreign, domestic, monuments, night views of cities, joke cards, three dimensional ones. In high school I collected books and records and posters and stubs of tickets to rock 'n roll shows. Over the years I kept research papers and essays and letters and notes and hundreds of business cards and mementos of all kinds, ID cards from high school and college, expired passports. When I traveled in Asia when I was 20 I collected pipes and chillums from Iran, Afghanistan, India and Nepal, matchbooks with decorative lithographs on the covers in India, Tibetan woodblock prints in Kathmandu, some textiles. For decades I've seriously collected books. At first it was to build my own library, but It led me to a successful career in which I was able to collect even more stuff, art books, books on Rome, Barcelona, and Tokyo and other places I loved to visit. I collected woodblock-print books on my many visits to Japan, and etchings, lithographs, and other ephemera from my various travels around the world. And then there’s my own art, paintings, sculptures, hundreds of drawings, slides, photographs. And all my father’s paintings and drawings and photographs and other stuff he left.

Collecting has stimulated and excited me and brought me comfort and satisfaction over the years. It feels like an intimate part of my personal history, memories and passions manifested physically. I've thought of the stuff I've collected as almost a physical extension of who I am. The library in particular has seemed like an externalization of my brain, a concrete visualization of all the stuff rocking around up there. It has helped define and motivate me and helped me understand who I am. Recently I've been parting with a large portion of my library and it almost feels like I'm losing sections of my mind.

But there's another side to the equation: Some of the happiest and most liberating moments of my life have been when I’ve been free of stuff. In 2015 I walked the Camino de Santiago, 500 miles across northern Spain. For two months I not only existed but thrived with a total of about 20 pounds of stuff on my back. Life was pared down to essentials, the few things that I needed to make it from the Pyrenees to Santiago--backpack, sleeping bag, a couple of changes of underwear, an extra shirt and pair of pants, medicines and toiletries, some electronics. I've never felt so wide awake and happy for such a sustained period in my life.